A place for my head...
…words, images, and song.
What a day…
Dec 9th
Well today hasn’t proved to be the grandest of days… but this day has yet to cease. I awoke with vigor, and direction. As it was attempted to be stirred throughout the morning I drove on. Lunch turned out a little… “difficult to swallow”. With news of not the most appetizing nature, I continued to keep my head up. The good Lord willing… things shall prevail. I returned home to recieve a pleasent invitation for the evening. With my spirits lifted a little more I was able to enjoy my dinner and a glass of wine. I sit here now pondering where tomorrow shall lead. Options at hand, many ideas in my head, but yet there are limits as to what I can do.
Mountains to climb, and break the fresh snow coming back down. Roads to explore and splash through the mud along the way. Rivers to cross, and find my way plunging down them paddle in hand. Yet where does that leave me for a means? I have so much desire to do these things… but as always these things take that fundamental entrapment of money. If somethings weren’t in their current state… then maybe things would find themself far more obtainable.
Attachment… desire… longing… yet without capability to fully understand. Why must we try so hard to make things more than they are? I’ve been made to feel guilty once again… yet it won’t get me down. The night is young… and my mind is free of something that’s burdened it for far too long. Let us partake, laugh, and carry on like we don’t know any better.
Se la vi.
Shortest path to salvation?
Dec 6th
Most would think I’m speaking religious when I mention salvation… but what other aspects in our lives do we need saved from? In my case… it’s the seeming imsurpassable financial burdern I’ve gotten myself under. As it is for many these days. Not that it worries me night and day, but it does have some effect on my state of mind when it shouldn’t. Often there are times I wish I could just enjoy the moment, instead of suddenly remembering I have a bill do and deciding what I have to cut out this week to make sure I can afford it. How do we get into such perdicaments? I blame credit… but it’s only one of the fruits of life that we are ever so tempted to eat. Self-control is my shortcoming, and downfall. Whether it’s a fitness routine, a healtier diet, not drinking so much, or on the topic… not spending so much. I lack very much the self-will/control to maintain any of these. Where do we obtain such control, is it genetic? Is it instilled upon us from our parents? I know my parents tried their best to instill a lot of things in me… and some just never seemed to blossom. So what is it that brings forth this attribute that so many seem blessed with, while others wallow in their own pitiful attempts at doing the same?
Many times I’ve come up with a spending plan that will get me free of my own attrocities in a short period. Yet I always find a way to infiltrate my own piousness. HAHAHA, I must laugh at that… pious and me? To words that shall forever it seems live in two seperate realms. There are high points in my life were my attempts seem easier, then others I just want to smack myself around. I think I can safely say the easier times could be attributed to my attempts at striving towards my spiritual side. I’m not the overzealous miracle believer. Yet I understand it’s the simplistic views and striving to do better things that makes our lives easier. Rule out all the materialistic, immoral (to some), and generally unfriendly things we can be enticed to do. Then what do you have left? Granted some of the things in these areas aren’t necessarily “bad”… but yet they can lead undoubtly cause us trouble in one way or another. Most times it’s not evident right off, but trouble can rear it’s nasty face in so many ways.
Here I have gone off on some rant circling religion… where was I?
Oh, simplicity… it’s something I so desire, but then I’m once again inticed to buy this, or have that. 99% of the time it’s something I could go 10 liftimes without ever “needing”, but isn’t that part of the pleasures of life? Having things we don’t necissarily need, yet we are capable of having or obtaining for our own enjoyment. This is where we once again come to that place of moral-fiber… it’s not even that of religious morals. It’s actually just common sense… “if I do this, then this will happen.” Instead of… “hey this will be fun. (PERIOD)” Now… where’s that big fat cartoon boxing glove to pop out of my pocket and punch me everytime I do the latter? Maybe I’ll replace all my credit cards with lots of little cards that say things like… “SIMPLIFY” “YOU DON’T NEED IT” or “DON’T FORGET RENT”.
… now… where’s that self-control self-help book?
Dark for a Thursday…
Dec 2nd
As the clock comes to 7:30am… I realize it’s still quite dark out. How I dred the winter months for this reason alone. I leave for work in the darkness, I return home in the darkness. It seems as though it gets dark even earlier this far north.
Yesterday I dropped “her” off at the airport… the old cliche’… “Parting is such sweet sorrow” didn’t seem to apply to my thoughts right then. My greatest fear is loving this girl too much to let her go. At one point I seriously pondered the great joys I could have with this person… but yet I’m constantly reminded by the great amount of agrivation I battle in my own mind. Then reminded again by dreams, and memories of the past. I know how great love can feel… I know how great “someone” can make you feel. Yet neither of these two feelings have I felt in a very long time. I fear it’s the simple desire to have “anyone” near that cares, that is overiding my very capable logic. In that respect… if I go on with this whimsical relationship, I’m neither being fair to her, or myself. When she expresses her feelings towards me, that fear once again overrides logic, fear that I may not find someone again to express such care for me. Yet time and time again I’ve met women that seem to think they’re madly in love with me… and here I sit enjoying their company, but not much beyond that. This time however… I’ve slipped too far into that attachment phase. Spending emense amounts of time with most anyone will develop an attachment to them. So where does one go from here? Well I go nowhere…. I’m here… she’s now way back there. Parting is sweet sorrow… in this account. The person I desire may still be out there (there’s a very good chance)… yet I am so scared to hurt her, or myself. Granted this pain is only temporary… it passes with time. Then in time you become thankful that you were able to break free, especially if you can continue being friends…. that is the sweet part. Let us hope… it doesn’t turn sour.